March 28, 2005

Uncertain

by: EJ

Clenching my jaws,

My hands shake,

So completely restless,

My mind is a little hazy,

I am uncertain,

Money and greed,

Needs and wants,

Love and passion,

Pain and strife,

They're all blurring together these days,

Just like my conceptions of myself,

All running together,

Like splattered paint on a wall,

Unknowing of where each drop will end up,

I am uncertain,

Of who I am,

And what I've become,

And where I've been,

This confusion I'm in,

Is life-affirming,

It is no simple matter,

I am questioning who I am,

And thats a first,

This uncertainty,

Is a huge reality check.

March 28, 2005

Final Curtain

by: EJ

I'm on the verge again,

Of relapsing that is,

I decided to write more,

And started up the meds again,

I couldn't handle spiralling out of control again,

But I'm getting to that point,

I'm almost comfortably numb,

Emotionally dead to the world,

I fight this every fucking day,

I haven't give up yet,

I haven't given in to my temptations,

This feeling inside me,

This hollow emptiness within my soul,

Is simply uncomprehendable to most people,

I'm scared of losing my sanity again,

Of losing everything again,

Its an all too familiar story,

I'm trying my hardest,

To not have a repeat of that novel,

If it happened,

It would be the end of me,

My final curtain call.

March 20, 2005

Disabling Firewalls

by: EJ

I keep searching for a meaning in my life,

A purpose that I can grasp,

One thing that remains constant,

Is the face that I'm always looking for love,

That true everlasting kind of love,

When I think I've found it,

I'm always disappointed,

When it truely exists in front of me,

I deny it,

And let my insecurities of myself take over,

I self-destruct,

And ruin the whole thing,

Before it ever has a chance to develop,

I'm scared out of my mind right now,

I fear being alone for the rest of my life,

Currently I think I'm having a existential crisis,

I invent problematic situations,

That never existed in the first place,

Why do I always prevent things from occurring,

I suppose I'm afraid of getting hurt,

So before anyone has the chance,

I break things off,

Thus, becoming the heartbreaker that I am,

Ironically I've set up a firewall,

Against relationships that might have any real emotional ties to them,

I set it up,

So why can't I tear it down,

Maybe I need someone to be my virus,

And tear down all these walls of fear,

Strip me down to my bare soul,

Infect every ounce of me,

Making it where I can't live without them,

Wouldn't that be a dream come true,

Oh how I wish with all my heart,

That person would come along someday,

Someday soon,

And disable my firewalls.

March 17, 2005

Puzzle Piece

by: EJ

So I met this girl the other day,

She was more than I expected,

And thats definitely in a good way,

Her grace and beauty,

Just blew me away,

Theres something about her,

That absolutely captivates me,

Being with her,

Leaves me breathless,

She makes me feel complete,

I can just relax with her,

All of my worries,

Disappear when I'm with her,

I can't explain this feeling,

This comforting notion,

That she is all I need in this world,

My heart screams at me,

Telling me that she is the missing link in my life,

And not to let her slip away,

And I don't plan to,

She's too amazing and wonderful,

It amazes me how well we've connected,

After such a short period of time,

I truely believe,

She has been the missing puzzle piece,

In this puzzle that I call my life,

I know deep within me,

This girl is worth everything,

All struggles will be equal,

Equal to every satisfaction,

Every moment with or for her,

Will be time and effort well spent,

I will let nothing get in my way,

Nothing will stop this happiness,

I won't let it,

Nothing.

March 3, 2005

Beyond Aide

by: EJ

Why does my life seem so pathetic,

My family is too good to speak to me,

My friends are too busy fucking,

Or the others were never really my friends,

Why do I feel so completely alone,

Because I really am,

I have secluded myself in this room,

I continuously run from the world,

But no one ever comes after me,

Have I gotten off track,

Am I lost in my own misery,

I think so,

My expectations of life have been too high,

I finally fell from grace,

Now I'm stuck in this mold,

And can't seem to lift myself out of it,

Why is it that no one comes to my side,

To help me or to search for me,

Even when I ask,

They just seem to hide,

My friends and family,

Don't really give a shit about what I'm going through,

Am I really that far gone,

Beyond human compassion,

I guess I really am lost,

And somehow I have to find my way back,

On my own.

March 2, 2005

Foolish Games

by: EJ

I'm a user and a liar,

Why do people deny that,

I swore to myself,

That I wouldn't be like the ones who hurt me,

But I became exactly like them,

I play people,

Use my lines,

Hook them,

Get what I want,

And throw them back where they came from,

Only now they're battered and bruised,

Treat them so good,

They know nothing different,

That way even after I hurt them,

They still love me,

They are fools for it too,

I play this game so well,

Only its not a game,

These are real consequences,

I'm a fool for playing both sides,

I was once a simple fool like them,

A simple victim,

But I'm more of a fool now,

Cause I am the one with the evil role,

I became exactly like the ones I despised,

Knowing full well of my capabilities,

I could choose not to do things,

But I end up doing things anyways,

I'm too skillful at this to not do it,

Atleast thats what my subconscious was telling me,

I know right from wrong,

The way I see it,

I've been hurt alot,

And I want someone else to fell that pain,

That agony I went through,

I took my griefs out on them,

It was so unfair,

None of them deserved it,

I am tired of this foolish game,

Lately I've stopped playing,

The temptation kills me,

But I can't and won't let myself give in,

They don't deserve it,

Just like I didn't.

March 2, 2005

Unseen Abuse

by: EJ

He doesn't realize what he does to me,

Claiming my thoughts mean something to him,

Yet he still goes against my beliefs,

Too stubborn to stop hurting me,

To stop hurting our family,

When will he realize I can't take it anymore,

The pot,

The alcohol,

I thought he'd changed himself,

But I see he's still the same as when he left,

The tangible-physical things I can handle,

But the verbal items,

Thats what kills me,

The verbal abuse that I fear will someday turn physical,

Go ahead threaten to hit me,

The verbal abuse already hurts enough,

You yell and scream for no reason,

But you don't realize,

How big of an effect you have on me,

Everytime you tear my organs inside out,

You push me over the edge,

I contemplate cutting,

More than my normal thoughts,

I can't handle what you do to me,

It makes me want to slit my wrists and die,

Why don't you see how much you're killing me,

But then again,

You've always been blind to the effects of your actions,

Continuously blind,

When I'm finally dead,

Maybe you'll see,

Or maybe when you finally push me away for good,

And you become dead to me,

Maybe you'll see,

But after either of those points,

There is no point of return,

When will you stop and look around,

And see how much you hurt me.

March 1, 2005

Endless Voyage

by: EJ

For the millionth time in my life,

I feel truely alone,

I don't know what it is about this pattern,

This habit that I can't seem to break,

My soul has run out of gas again,

But still attempts to run on empty,

The engine of my heart,

Turns over and over again,

But refuses to start,

I feel I have nothing again,

Nothing to fulfill me,

I'm tired of these endless voyages,

Only to find another dead end,

Time and time again I make this trip,

And its always the same ole story,

I'm tired of saying I'll change,

Make a new beginning and have hope,

But I can finally admit this,

I've lost all hope of things getting better,

My efforts have been worthless,

I feel worthless,

A waste of space and time,

I am dead and gone to this world,

A ghost haunting this neverending voyage.