April 19, 2009

Teaching Change

by: EJ

I've come to realize that I can't compete with the world,

The world is ever changing,

As am I,

We hope to make a difference in the world,

To be of some significance,

It isn't a god-given right to promote change,

Its an on-going struggle,

Why do we struggle daily,

Why do we fight to just make a difference,

Do we see some wrong that needs a correction,

Or do we see something and know it can be greater,

To have faith in humanity can be exhausting,

We are not perfect,

There are not perfect teachers,

Yet we all need to learn in order to evolve and grow,

Change is perhaps the most terrifying thing,

We fight till the bitter end,

When there is no strength to resist,

Why must we all assume its such a terrible thing,

We should all accept direction with an open mind,

Be willing to go another way,

To realize there are more options all around us,

Open your eyes and see all the possibilities around you,

Don't take offense to something you may not have uncovered by yourself,

We all need a little help,

Don't always assume that a lesson is directed solely at you,

To know time spent to teach you,

Shows you are smart and can adapt to change,

It means one day you will be the teacher spreading your knowledge of life.

April 19, 2009

Our Story

by: EJ

There is something about the way you move me,

This grace that you have about you,

Sometimes I can't help but stop and stare,

Your of so sweet blue eyes burn through my soul,

You see me for me,

You read me like a book full of blank pages,

Making it up as we go along,

The story of our lives waiting to be written,

The day you opened the cover,

Was the first day of the rest of our lives,

The first few sentences involving the words Indiana and a whip,

Every story has its trials and tribulations of course,

Just a few bumps along the way,

With each step our love grows stronger,

Your heart can't bare to be dishonest or hurtful,

Your eyes told me that,

I do trust you with everything I am,

You hold my heart and soul in the palm of your hand,

Never have I let someone see me so vulnerable,

My walls crumbled the moment I felt your love.

June 1, 2008

Progress

by: EJ

Letting go isn't necessarily about leaving someone else,

Or about forgetting someone,

Sometimes its about letting go of yourself,

Letting go of all the preconceived notions you have of yourself,

For the first time in your life be yourself,

Breath for once,

Take time to realize what it is you want in life,

Don't forget what it is,

And never sacrifice it for someone else,

If all you do is compromise to make someone else happy,

You're sacrificing your own happiness,

In love you should be equal in everything,

Its a partnership,

You work together,

You should never lose sight of who you are,

Its ok to call it quits and to move on,

You have to follow your passions,

You have to learn to say enough is enough,

Everyone will heal,

Sometimes you just have to take time to realize,

That rather than progressing forward together,

Ya'll are holding each other back,

Letting go is never easy regardless of the situation,

But it can open your eyes to so much.

March 16, 2008

Freefall

by: EJ

All doors left wide open,

Freefall into oblivion,

Running with eyes wideshut,

Letting go of it all,

The painful love,

The uncertain tomorrows,

The "what-ifs,"

Here and now is all there is,

Choosing not to live in the moment,

Would be a lifetime without experience,

Leaving a hollow shell of a soul,

Shouldn't someone sound out a warning,

Cause people are about to get run over,

A train off it's tracks,

Massive amounts of debris,

No need to try and analyze it,

Just dig right in,

Go through it piece by piece,

Leave no stone unturned,

Live through each moment,

Only then will I begin to understand this madness,

I've been the living dead,

I'm dying to be alive,

My only mission is to live,

And I'm sorry to whoever might get hurt in the process.

December 7, 2007

Hanger

by: EJ

Its another sleepless night,

I blame it on her and her beautiful face,

I still see her eyes smiling back at me,

Hair blowing in the wind,

The sunlight beaming down on her,

Like a sign from God,

Theres something about her,

That makes me believe in life again,

I've found love, hope, faith, and happiness,

Things I never dreamt of feeling again,

Nothing of this magnitude atleast,

I can't get her off my mind,

I see her in everything and everyone,

I picture her little swagger when she walks,

I hear her in every lyric to any song,

I picture her singing the songs she loves,

She's in the odometer of my car,

Telling me I'm only so many miles from her,

I have itchy texting thumbs,

My fingers attracted to the keyboard like magnets,

How I wish I could sweep her off her feet again,

I know I have the ability,,

Just please give me the opportunity,

How can so very few moments make me feel this way,

If my blood counts are off,

Its cause she's coursing through my veins,

She is in every fucking beat of me,

I tried so hard not to fall,

We both tried to stop it,

I'm in a situation I can not change,

She has a life and a significant other,

Her loyalty only makes me want her more,

I've lost my two best friends to this,

I can't interfere any more,

Being with them destroys me,

My feelings intensify as does the awkwardness,

I try to stay away and stop contact,

Clearly said and clearly asked,

Yet she keeps coming around,

Writing, texting, calling,

Not wanting to lose me,

Not going to stop trying to be my friend,

How much more clearer do I have to be,

I want so much more than that,

My feelings aren't going to change,

They won't just go away,

I know how it feels to be close enough to feel her warmth,

I feel completely content in her arms,

To feel the endless possibilities,

They exist,

Do you hear me,

Those forever type of feelings,

They exist,

I keep trying to go away,

Ignore how I feel,

But she keeps coming back around to me,

For once is someone coming after me,

Trying not to overanalyze things,

What else am I supposed to think,

When she tells me a song reminds her of us,

She said it made her think of what could have been,

To me that seems like she still has feelings,

Such a hard situation,

Change is hard,

You can't just drop someone you've been with for two years,

You can't just fall for someone else,

To that I say imagine me and you,

It is more than just a fairy tale,

It is a possibility,

A chance,

A opportunity,

Please just realize and don't let it pass by this time,

How I wish for one thing,

To whisper in your ear and tell you how I feel,

Before I wanted to say I think I could love you,

Now I know I could love you,

She has so much to risk,

But how much will she lose by never taking the risk,

Please just realize.

September 9, 2007

To Who I Was

by: EJ

The drive home gets longer and drawn out,

I know what to expect there,

Knowing where I'm not wanted,

I drive the roads here,

The same roads,

The same car,

That she spent so much time coming here,

To cheat on me,

Ironic how this is my home now,

I get lost on so many streets,

I see endless possibilities,

Knowing I can heal here,

Pushing me to never go back,

Back to the me that I hated,

To the person I became,

The side she brought out in me,

The person I never want to see again,

Some just don't understand,

Going back would be a death sentence,

To drown in my own misery,

To suffocate on the bitter air around me,

If you knew who I once was,

You don't know who I am now,

And you'll never know me ever again.

July 16, 2007

Hour-Glass

by: EJ

The feelings have returned yet again,

Craving that cold blade,

Of dragging it across my flesh,

The urge is so strong,

Like the ocean tide,

Pulling me further and further away from shore,

From sanity,

The tiny grains of this time bomb,

Are gracefully pouring down that odd-shaped glass,

Hypnotized as they all fall down,

Leaving a vast emptiness,

Drop a blackcat in it,

And watch it all explode,

Perhaps the glass will pierce your heart,

And you'll feel my pain,

But perhaps you've felt it before,

I will not deny these feelings,

Merely accept that they are there,

And consistently flip that hour-glass,

Hoping that time won't run out,

I'll still fight like I always have,

But if you notice a new mark,

Don't be surprised,

Just know I gave in,

And waved that white flag once again.

July 16, 2007

Limerence 

by: EJ

Here in this strange place,

Trying to being again,

Struggling to find a foothold,

Hopes of tomorrow,

End with today,

No more thoughts of yesterday,

No more ideas of her and I,

I hoped of finding clarity,

But my vision was only blurred,

The timing isn't right,

It never has been and never will be,

Is it my procrastination,

In the form of limerence,

The lust-love of the unattainable,

Denial of reality,

In hopes of a future love,

Easily dismissing my goals in life,

For the touch of another,

But it was her touch,

Her face next to mine,

Only a momentary thing,

She's back with her comfortable other,

Familiarity is easier,

When faced with the unknown,

Scary isn't necessarily always a bad thing,

Losing out on a magnificent thing,

Is what I'd be afraid of,

So I try and fail.

June 17, 2007

Raging Fury

by: EJ

As the storm blows in,

Balls of light explode within the clouds,

The brightness pouring over the edges,

Giving a mere glimpse of the inner turmoil,

You can't quite hear it yet,

But with each flash,

You know the war rages on,

The closer and closer the storm gets,

The more you can feel it in your bones,

The sudden crack of thunder,

Sends shivers through your spine,

As lightning crashes down,

You feel the burn in your eyes,

Temporary blindness ensues,

The eye of the storm,

Isn't always eerily quiet,

The rumbling sound of destruction and chaos,

Nature in its full fledged glory,

Captivating in its magnificent fury,

Rolling along like the earth and sky,

Are coming to devour you whole,

After the storm passes,

You're left sopping wet from nature's saliva,

Surviving the greatest of storms,

Leaves you with adrenaline pumping,

Leaving you feeling that raging war within.

June 16, 2007

Truckin

by: EJ

The red glare from passing tail-lights,

Curiosity strikes once again,

Who are they and whats their story,

Where is this journey taking them,

Each to his own exit,

Changing lanes is simple second nature,

So many paths intertwined,

Non-stop merging and yielding,

There are those who cut it close to live dangerously,

A little excitement,

To drown out the mind-numbing sound of the road,

Unfortunately some never make it to their destination,

But the pace moves on nevertheless,

Continuously in motion,

Its a matter of being driven to keep going,

Or be run over and left to rust,

There will be plenty of detours along the way,

Hopefully some road trips of a lifetime,

We'll all come to a dead end someday,

But in the meantime,

There are infinite roads waiting to be explored,

I hope when we cross paths,

On one of these old dirt back roads,

That we'll both wave,

As if to say keep on truckin,

Theres still more out there to enjoy,

Good luck.

June 13, 2007

Caution

by: EJ

Mindless self-indulgence,

Really just sheer denial of the truth,

The ultimate choice of living,

After finally being made,

Is ironically frowned upon,

Fuck all of you hypocrites,

And your criticisms,

I've hidden from the world,

Stepping aside to let everyone else live,

I had waited far too long,

Finally gaining mental clarity,

My decision was obvious,

Diving in head first into this infinite abyss,

Quite different from running full fledged into a brick wall,

My options are endless,

Daring to risk all,

But taking caution with my heart,

I know what I want from life,

Only my path is unclear,

Atleast I'm willing to take it one step at a time,

I'm finally indulging in life,

And I don't see the problem in actually living,

Its not careless and thoughtless,

If appearing as too much too fast,

All I can say is I do have some catching up to do.

May 22, 2006

Lost

by: EJ

This is the house that love built,

But the foundations are steadily cracking,

No one thought we could do it,

I'm starting to believe them,

I can't make her happy,

The thought of her leaving me,

Beings unsightly things to my mind,

I love her with everything I have in me,

I can't sleep at night,

And when I do awake,

I feel my heart breaking all over again,

Watching her while she sleeps,

Knowing that soon,

She might never be there again,

People don't see me as even remotely religious,

But I am,

God and I talk time to time,

I'm praying to him for her not to leave,

I'll be lost without her,

If he decides for our paths to be different,

I suppose I'll just be one of those lost souls,

That never know they're dead,

Just stuck in an endless moment of peril,

If I lose her,

You'll lose me too,

Fore I know no other option than to hurt myself,

This time it'll probably be the last,

They don't realize I have very little control over this despair,

If the day comes that you can't find me,

I'll be lying in bed,

With blood stained sheets,

Eternally lost to my own destruction,

She'll never know that the night we met,

I had chosen her to save my life,

But not only that,

But to be the love of my life,

Please God,

Help things work out.

December 3, 2005

Depth Perception

by: EJ

Every where I go,

My depth perception is off a little,

My surroundings are a little fuzzy,

Life is blurred at the edges,

Nothing is what it seems,

I can't quite grip reality,

I know its right in front of me,

As I reach out to touch it,

I stumble and fall,

Its ok though,

I just pick myself up and dust myself off,

Keep trying till I finally get it,

I may not like it sometimes,

But its better to live in it,

Rather than continuing this facade,

I now what I want out of life,

And its not anything I have right now,

Its time I focus on my goals in life,

And quit being so childish,

Time to stop hiding from life.

November 2, 2005

Fall From Grace

by: EJ

I included them in my world,

Then they took it over,

And threw me out the door,

Of course I take it seriously,

When I invest my time and emotions,

Into my interactions with these people,

I give them my trust,

And in the end they just use me again,

Taking advantage of my good intentions,

I'm tired of the games they play with me,

I am not their personal toy,

I distance myself once again,

In an attempt to save my life,

Cause I'm standing on the edge of reality,

And they keep helping me get closer to going over,

Perhaps that what they want,

To see me fall from grace,

If it can ever be considered that,

I know I could disappear forever,

And they would never notice or care,

So why am I so caught up in the way I feel now.

October 28, 2005

Bounce 

by: EJ

He made us sit around the room,

Give the next teammate some praise,

When it came around to the beautiful green-eyed girl,

She called on me,

She told me she was impressed with me,

When I came back to the team,

She said she'd never seen someone bounce back so fast,

Hearing those words,

A single praise,

Touched me in a way I haven't felt in quite awhile,

She got me thinking,

I've always felt I've never accomplished anything,

But perhaps I was wrong,

In those words she showed me hope again,

If I can get my soccer groove back so quickly,

Maybe I can do the same with myself,

And get myself out of this depth of despair,

I hear the words in my head,

You can bounce back from anything,

Its possible.

October 23, 2005

Ms. Stone

by: EJ

I saw a picture of you today,

The sight of your face made me smile,

But it also broke my heart a little,

Knowing you'll never be mine again,

Why am I constantly held up by you,

My life waiting on you,

To come back around to me,

I never should have let you you,

But I did,

And for the first time ever,

I have a real regret,

Cause I do love you,

But if I told you now,

I'm sure you'd think I'm crazy,

The moment has come and gone,

Its too late to tell you the truth,

Unless you come back to me somehow,

You'll never know,

That I've loved you from the beginning.

October 5, 2005

Stormy Weather

by: EJ

Clouds are rolling in fast,

Its getting pretty stormy here,

The rain streaming down my face,

Lightning striking in my heart,

Thoughts spinning around in a whirlwind,

Everything is such a blur,

Once again I'm stuck in all the destruction,

While debris continues to fall around me,

I only have myself for protection,

And that itself doesn't say much,

I need to find a good storm chaser,

To predict these atmospheric disturbances,

So I can have time,

To run for cover and save myself,

This weather is consuming everything around me,

Is it time to admit that I'm scared of the dark,

Can I survive this time,

Can I say afloat with so many waves of sorrow,

Will I ever make it out,

Just to discover all along,

I'd locked myself in a basement,

And it had all been an illusion.

October 3, 2005

Marie

by: EJ

I was the typical dumbass,

Broke up with her for no reason,

Even though I only wanted to be with her,

She stopped talking to me,

I miss her more everyday,

I deleted her number off my phone,

So I wouldn't call or text her,

Trying not to think of her,

Inadvertently I've memorized her number,

I can't bring myself to delete her off my buddy lists online,

Leaving that last line of connection to her,

Shes constantly on my mind lately,

She's moved on,

While I'm left here wanting her back,

I know she knows how I feel,

But what does she think of it,

Could she ever possibly want me back,

To give me another chance,

Hell I'd be happy with just seeing her,

She's in my heart for a reason,

And I can't ignore that.

September 28, 2005

Recently

by: EJ

Why is it that for 19 years,

I never knew the truth,

They let me hate my father,

When I should have been hating her,

She fucked our family over,

Yet I didn't know till recently,

They never explained it to me,

Just left it as she filed for divorce,

And filed for bankruptcy,

Leaving my father screwed over for decades,

But I still didn't know till recently,

How fucked up it all really was,

She'd been having a long-term affair,

Thats why they really divorced,

I sometimes wonder if my dad is really my biological father,

Afterall I look nothing like him,

But testing that theory would kill him,

So I leave those questions alone in my head,

I wasted so much of my energy being mad at him,

I can't bring myself to hate her for it,

I hate what she did but I forgive her,

But I hate myself though,

Cause all along I treated him like he was unworthy of my love,

I hope he can understand and forgive me,

Cause I didn't know the truth till recently.

September 28, 2005

Employees

by: EJ

She's been working two jobs lately,

Nearly 14 hours everyday of the week,

But they don't give a damn,

Not showing up for work,

Or calling in sick,

She's the one covering your ass,

She's awesome at her job,

But why should she be doing yours too,

For years on end,

I've seen her work her ass off,

To catch up on what you've been lacking,

She's finally getting tired and weary,

And sick of your shit,

She claims if nothing changes,

She'll put in her resignation,

But really she should fire your stupid ass,

For never doing your job properly,

For almost 19 years now,

I've been the one who see the results,

At the end of the day,

Her frustrations get taken out on me,

If she can balance three kids and a home life with work,

Then why the fuck can't you,

Give the woman a break,

She deserves it.

September 24, 2005

A Moment in Time

by: EJ

I asked her what her favorite moment was,

She spoke of a time,

That she found out someone cherished her,

That is perhaps one of the best feelings,

The knowledge that someone is proud of you,

I find it hard to remember a time like this,

I have a feeling I never will,

Cause things will be spoken too late,

The opportunity never taken,

Regrets hang heavy on the heart,

To this day there is no time-machine,

We can't change the past,

So seize the moment,

And speak your mind,

Cause you can never have that chance again,

Don't leave someone clueless,

About how you felt towards them,

Act now or they'll never know,

Don't let them feel,

How I do now.

September 14, 2005

Finding Out 

by: EJ

Why don't you tell me this,

Why can't you just listen and find out,

Just take a moment,

Pay attention for once,

If you want to know me,

I'll tell you my story,

All I ask is take the time,

And just listen very carefully,

And you'll find out,

I'll share every detail,

Down to the last little nitpicked thing,

Anything you ask me,

I'll pour my little heart out,

Just for you and only you,

Just listen and find out,

I'd tell you anything on earth,

My only hope,

Is for you to know me,

And maybe one day,

I could expect the same from you,

Cause I want to know every fucking bit of you,

If you listen really careful,

You'll find out I've wanted you all along.

September 14, 2005

Anxiety

by: EJ

This disease within me is overwhelming,

The fear immobilizes me,

My lack of a social life,

Is due to this,

No one knows how bad it can be,

These panic attacks that consume me,

I can't even drive,

I know in my heart,

I'll die in a car crash,

From falling asleep from my sleep apnoea,

Any hint of sleepiness,

Any sign of too many people,

I freak out,

Rapid eye movement,

Heart pounding,

Quieting sneaking away from the world,

But no one notices,

Cause somehow its well hidden,

I'm amazing at playing it off,

If I drop off the face of the earth for awhile,

Now you'll know why.

August 25, 2005

Kyle Brandon

by: EJ

Now I've realized,

Whenever I'm mad or upset,

Falling into depression,

He is the one I call,

When the most random stuff happens,

Something funny or exciting,

He is the one I call,

The middle child in our family,

We understand each other the most,

He has been through alot,

Just like me,

He's screwed up alot,

But prevailed through it,

He made alot of himself,

Finally on the path of what he wants out of life,

We once did the typical sibling disputes,

Still do occasionally,

But I didn't use to respect him,

Now I do and he doesn't know it,

He doesn't know that his little sister,

Is in fact very proud of him.

July 31, 2005

No Sign

by: EJ

When I felt that key in my hand,

My heart dropped like a stone,

I drove by the bar she was at after I left work,

No sign of her,

The whole way home I cried,

All the while hoping,

She'd be waiting for me at my apartment,

No sign of her,

I come inside hoping,

She'd left me a note or message on my machine,

No sign of her,

She didn't come here tonight,

Like I wanted and needed her to,

But she was giving me my space,

She doesn't realize how majorly she fucked up by not coming here,

I will see you at 11 she says,

What happens when I slam the door in her face,

If you're my girlfriend who I only get to see once a week,

And the one day you're here and I need you,

You say I'll think about it,

Thats fucked up.

July 31, 2005

Never Knowing

by: EJ

Its always such a joke to claim that I'm happy,

Cause its always a lie,

I tried once more to do the relationship thing,

What can I say its not working out,

I'm pulling the same shit again,

Except for this time I really like her,

But of course she doesn't realize this,

As I write this I have my razorblade and washcloth,

Next to me on this desk,

But of course she doesn't realize this,

Why because shes not here,

Shes giving me space that I never asked for,

I haven't gotten to talk to her about how I feel,

I may not want to be in a relationship with her,

But that doesn't mean I don't want to be with her,

Afterall I only get to see her once a week,

I may not be happy but its not because of her,

Its cause I don't love myself,

I have a rainbow flag symbolizing pride in my living room,

Its ironic cause I don't have any pride in myself at all,

Matter of fact I hate myself and the way I am,

I used to wonder what life was about,

Now I just wish it was all over.

July 2, 2005

Bopper

by: EJ

It always comes back around to her,

The one I wanted from the beginning,

Always waiting patiently,

She came back to me for a moment,

Although she didn't know it then,

For that moment she was truly mine,

She claimed she wanted more of us,

Both of us knowing its not possible,

In that moment,

She finally let me in,

Finally seeing what I'd been trying to show her,

All these years,

The love that I'll always hold for her,

And the love I've always wanted to give her.

July 2, 2005

Freedom

by: EJ

The displays of red, white, and blue,

The flags,

The stars and stripes,

Symbolizing our country's independence day,

The land of the free,

What a bold-faced lie that is,

Truth be told,

None of us are free,

There are so many laws and regulations,

All restricting our basic rights,

But ironically these days,

They are trying to take away some basic rights,

Not try because they already have,

What justification do they have for this,

They use God as an excuse,

But what they don't realize,

Is that our nation was not founded on religion,

But for equal rights,

To seek life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,

So how can I celebrate our national freedom,

When I myself have no such thing,

My country itself has denied me freedom.

June 22, 2005

Those Eyes

by: EJ

Why is it you seem so different from everyone else,

Such a genuine person,

I feel this unimaginable energy radiating from your soul,

So pure and whole,

So caring and sweet,

From the moment we met,

I felt safe,

Content in knowing I won't be settling for anything,

Those green eyes pierce my heart,

All of my layers fall away when I'm with you,

I am no longer hiding,

You see me for me,

We fit well together,

For once there is no need to force into each others molds,

Being with you is easy,

There is nothing about you that bothers me,

Or that I'd change,

Who you are is what makes me happy,

You are what I want and need,

I close my eyes and see yours staring back at me,

Reassuring me that you feel the same,

Opening my eyes  I hope you really do feel the same,

Cause being with you makes me happy,

Happiness that I haven't felt in a very long time.

May 26, 2005

Trees

by: EJ

Have you ever studied the art of a tree,

Standing straight and tall,

Its branches spreading life,

And giving homes to thousands of creatures,

They grow in many different shapes and sizes,

All different and unique,

With variations of color schemes,

All beautiful in their own way,

Some speckled with flowers,

Others with nuts and berries,

Its roots grow deep and wide,

Attaching itself to the earth,

Becoming part of it,

to be committed to nature,

Until it perishes,

But in turn would provide life,

For the rest of the environment around it,

What true talent that is,

To continuously give life.

May 20, 2005

Everything

by: EJ

If you ask me who I am,

I'll tell you I'm the everyday fuck up,

The one who is continuously screwing up,

These catastrophes used to be well hidden,

But now are so blatantly obvious,

They can't see how sorry I am,

How much I hate myself for being a failure,

You see they're disappointed in me,

Their trust in me is diminishing by the minute,

Like an hour-glass flipped up-side down,

I claim I've gotten my shit together,

But really my life is more chaotic than its ever been,

My tank was full not too long ago,

But now I'm running on empty,

My incentives are gone,

What do I have left to prove,

Who am I kidding,

I have everything left to prove,

Everything,

I have nothing to gain but my own self-worth,

And I have absolutely everything to lose.

May 19, 2005

World

by: EJ

My own little world,

Is pre-occupied with thoughts,

The over-analyzation of life,

Questions of existence,

Consisting of my conscience,

Lacking knowledge,

Consistently changing,

A never-ending process,

The circle of life,

Searching for substance,

A piece of reality,

Emotionally dreaming,

Respecting originality,

Looking for answers,

Strategic planning,

Overall,

Its not much to work with,

But it is what I claim to be my life.

May 19, 2005

Definitions

by: EJ

So lets talk about ethics for a minute,

What is the difference between right and wrong,

What about a lie and a white lie,

Is there a margin for error between the two,

That would be the gray area,

Is there such a belief that exists,

The belief something is simply what it is,

Am I wrong for doing what I have to do,

Even if I know I shouldn't,

Is is ok to do something,

If you feel it will benefit someone,

What is the definition of right and wrong,

And you decide what constitutes those meanings,

Just because someone's actions,

Satisfy or dissatisfy you,

How does that make it right or wrong,

I just don't understand,

Why am I always considered the negative,

If I feel I'm the positive,

It just doesn't make sense,

Who has the authority to decide,

Such a situation.

May 19, 2005

Waves

by: EJ

Life was going so well,

Then it hit me like a tidal wave,

Everything I worked so hard on,

Got washed away in an instant,

The instant I fell for the unattainable,

I swore I'd never do it again,

But damn I just can't help myself,

I hold this hope that I have a chance,

But I know its impossible,

Why would they ever like me,

Especially after I've made an ass of myself,

Plenty of times in front of them,

For some reason I just can't let go,

My heart tells me not to,

I could be the best girlfriend they've ever had,

But they'll never know that,

They'd never date me,

I'm just the loser girl from work,

If only I had a chance to prove them wrong,

To let my ocean of love wash upon the sandy shore of their hearts.

May 1, 2005

Convincement

by: EJ

I spent so much time,

Trying to convince myself,

That I was straight,

Uncertainty was my defining moment,

Questioning who I was,

After admitting the truth,

That I was gay,

I became content,

But ironically I'm back to that point,

Back where I'm uncertain,

This time trying to convince myself,

That I am gay,

I know in my heart I am,

I've become scared,

Scared of what I love the most,

Constant rejections and heartbreak,

Have done this to me,

I don't really want anything anymore,

Only myself,

Perhaps selfish,

But I need time to heal,

To get rid of this uncertainty,

And to repair my tattered soul.

April 18, 2005

This Is

by: EJ

No matter where I go,

Where ever I walk,

Where ever I sit,

I look around,

And think,

This is my life,

This is the life I've chosen,

It is a constant thought,

Every spare moment,

It comes to me,

This is my life,

It is my new saying,

But no one ever hears it but me,

I see it every where I look,

A neon flashing sign,

Saying this is my life,

I hear it every where,

A deafening noise,

Saying this is my life,

This is my life,

Can you feel it.

April 2, 2005

I'll Be

by: EJ

If you need someone to save you,

I'll be your knight in shining armor,

If you need help finding your way,

I'll be the first to grab your hand and guide you,

If you need someone to ignite your flame again,

I'll be your match,

If you fall off the edge,

And need to be put back together again,

I'll be your tape and glue,

No matter what you need,

I'll always be there by your side,

Every step of the way,

Just call my name,

And I'll come running,

Don't you see,

I'd give my life for you,

No matter if you're a friend or foe,

Just don't forget about me,

And that I do care,

I'll be anything,

Anything you want or need me to be,

I'll be there,

Just call my name.

April 1, 2005

Flamboyance

by: EJ

They go about their own lives,

Never taking notice of me,

They see the me they want to see,

Not the real one,

The real one doesn't exist to them,

But they don't really care anyways,

They never do,

Their world revolves around them,

But they can't see that I'm the moon,

Orbiting around them,

Seperate from everything,

Yet still there,

Simply observing them,

Wishing I could be part of their lives,

The real me,

Not the actress,

But I have to keeping acting,

Cause society won't except me,

I'm too different,

I don't meet their standards,

All because of who I really I am,

The flamboyant gay girl,

Atleast I wish I could be flamboyant.

March 28, 2005

Uncertain

by: EJ

Clenching my jaws,

My hands shake,

So completely restless,

My mind is a little hazy,

I am uncertain,

Money and greed,

Needs and wants,

Love and passion,

Pain and strife,

They're all blurring together these days,

Just like my conceptions of myself,

All running together,

Like splattered paint on a wall,

Unknowing of where each drop will end up,

I am uncertain,

Of who I am,

And what I've become,

And where I've been,

This confusion I'm in,

Is life-affirming,

It is no simple matter,

I am questioning who I am,

And thats a first,

This uncertainty,

Is a huge reality check.

March 28, 2005

Final Curtain

by: EJ

I'm on the verge again,

Of relapsing that is,

I decided to write more,

And started up the meds again,

I couldn't handle spiralling out of control again,

But I'm getting to that point,

I'm almost comfortably numb,

Emotionally dead to the world,

I fight this every fucking day,

I haven't give up yet,

I haven't given in to my temptations,

This feeling inside me,

This hollow emptiness within my soul,

Is simply uncomprehendable to most people,

I'm scared of losing my sanity again,

Of losing everything again,

Its an all too familiar story,

I'm trying my hardest,

To not have a repeat of that novel,

If it happened,

It would be the end of me,

My final curtain call.

March 20, 2005

Disabling Firewalls

by: EJ

I keep searching for a meaning in my life,

A purpose that I can grasp,

One thing that remains constant,

Is the face that I'm always looking for love,

That true everlasting kind of love,

When I think I've found it,

I'm always disappointed,

When it truely exists in front of me,

I deny it,

And let my insecurities of myself take over,

I self-destruct,

And ruin the whole thing,

Before it ever has a chance to develop,

I'm scared out of my mind right now,

I fear being alone for the rest of my life,

Currently I think I'm having a existential crisis,

I invent problematic situations,

That never existed in the first place,

Why do I always prevent things from occurring,

I suppose I'm afraid of getting hurt,

So before anyone has the chance,

I break things off,

Thus, becoming the heartbreaker that I am,

Ironically I've set up a firewall,

Against relationships that might have any real emotional ties to them,

I set it up,

So why can't I tear it down,

Maybe I need someone to be my virus,

And tear down all these walls of fear,

Strip me down to my bare soul,

Infect every ounce of me,

Making it where I can't live without them,

Wouldn't that be a dream come true,

Oh how I wish with all my heart,

That person would come along someday,

Someday soon,

And disable my firewalls.

March 17, 2005

Puzzle Piece

by: EJ

So I met this girl the other day,

She was more than I expected,

And thats definitely in a good way,

Her grace and beauty,

Just blew me away,

Theres something about her,

That absolutely captivates me,

Being with her,

Leaves me breathless,

She makes me feel complete,

I can just relax with her,

All of my worries,

Disappear when I'm with her,

I can't explain this feeling,

This comforting notion,

That she is all I need in this world,

My heart screams at me,

Telling me that she is the missing link in my life,

And not to let her slip away,

And I don't plan to,

She's too amazing and wonderful,

It amazes me how well we've connected,

After such a short period of time,

I truely believe,

She has been the missing puzzle piece,

In this puzzle that I call my life,

I know deep within me,

This girl is worth everything,

All struggles will be equal,

Equal to every satisfaction,

Every moment with or for her,

Will be time and effort well spent,

I will let nothing get in my way,

Nothing will stop this happiness,

I won't let it,

Nothing.

March 3, 2005

Beyond Aide

by: EJ

Why does my life seem so pathetic,

My family is too good to speak to me,

My friends are too busy fucking,

Or the others were never really my friends,

Why do I feel so completely alone,

Because I really am,

I have secluded myself in this room,

I continuously run from the world,

But no one ever comes after me,

Have I gotten off track,

Am I lost in my own misery,

I think so,

My expectations of life have been too high,

I finally fell from grace,

Now I'm stuck in this mold,

And can't seem to lift myself out of it,

Why is it that no one comes to my side,

To help me or to search for me,

Even when I ask,

They just seem to hide,

My friends and family,

Don't really give a shit about what I'm going through,

Am I really that far gone,

Beyond human compassion,

I guess I really am lost,

And somehow I have to find my way back,

On my own.

March 2, 2005

Foolish Games

by: EJ

I'm a user and a liar,

Why do people deny that,

I swore to myself,

That I wouldn't be like the ones who hurt me,

But I became exactly like them,

I play people,

Use my lines,

Hook them,

Get what I want,

And throw them back where they came from,

Only now they're battered and bruised,

Treat them so good,

They know nothing different,

That way even after I hurt them,

They still love me,

They are fools for it too,

I play this game so well,

Only its not a game,

These are real consequences,

I'm a fool for playing both sides,

I was once a simple fool like them,

A simple victim,

But I'm more of a fool now,

Cause I am the one with the evil role,

I became exactly like the ones I despised,

Knowing full well of my capabilities,

I could choose not to do things,

But I end up doing things anyways,

I'm too skillful at this to not do it,

Atleast thats what my subconscious was telling me,

I know right from wrong,

The way I see it,

I've been hurt alot,

And I want someone else to fell that pain,

That agony I went through,

I took my griefs out on them,

It was so unfair,

None of them deserved it,

I am tired of this foolish game,

Lately I've stopped playing,

The temptation kills me,

But I can't and won't let myself give in,

They don't deserve it,

Just like I didn't.

March 2, 2005

Unseen Abuse

by: EJ

He doesn't realize what he does to me,

Claiming my thoughts mean something to him,

Yet he still goes against my beliefs,

Too stubborn to stop hurting me,

To stop hurting our family,

When will he realize I can't take it anymore,

The pot,

The alcohol,

I thought he'd changed himself,

But I see he's still the same as when he left,

The tangible-physical things I can handle,

But the verbal items,

Thats what kills me,

The verbal abuse that I fear will someday turn physical,

Go ahead threaten to hit me,

The verbal abuse already hurts enough,

You yell and scream for no reason,

But you don't realize,

How big of an effect you have on me,

Everytime you tear my organs inside out,

You push me over the edge,

I contemplate cutting,

More than my normal thoughts,

I can't handle what you do to me,

It makes me want to slit my wrists and die,

Why don't you see how much you're killing me,

But then again,

You've always been blind to the effects of your actions,

Continuously blind,

When I'm finally dead,

Maybe you'll see,

Or maybe when you finally push me away for good,

And you become dead to me,

Maybe you'll see,

But after either of those points,

There is no point of return,

When will you stop and look around,

And see how much you hurt me.

March 1, 2005

Endless Voyage

by: EJ

For the millionth time in my life,

I feel truely alone,

I don't know what it is about this pattern,

This habit that I can't seem to break,

My soul has run out of gas again,

But still attempts to run on empty,

The engine of my heart,

Turns over and over again,

But refuses to start,

I feel I have nothing again,

Nothing to fulfill me,

I'm tired of these endless voyages,

Only to find another dead end,

Time and time again I make this trip,

And its always the same ole story,

I'm tired of saying I'll change,

Make a new beginning and have hope,

But I can finally admit this,

I've lost all hope of things getting better,

My efforts have been worthless,

I feel worthless,

A waste of space and time,

I am dead and gone to this world,

A ghost haunting this neverending voyage.