March 20, 2005

Disabling Firewalls

by: EJ

I keep searching for a meaning in my life,

A purpose that I can grasp,

One thing that remains constant,

Is the face that I'm always looking for love,

That true everlasting kind of love,

When I think I've found it,

I'm always disappointed,

When it truely exists in front of me,

I deny it,

And let my insecurities of myself take over,

I self-destruct,

And ruin the whole thing,

Before it ever has a chance to develop,

I'm scared out of my mind right now,

I fear being alone for the rest of my life,

Currently I think I'm having a existential crisis,

I invent problematic situations,

That never existed in the first place,

Why do I always prevent things from occurring,

I suppose I'm afraid of getting hurt,

So before anyone has the chance,

I break things off,

Thus, becoming the heartbreaker that I am,

Ironically I've set up a firewall,

Against relationships that might have any real emotional ties to them,

I set it up,

So why can't I tear it down,

Maybe I need someone to be my virus,

And tear down all these walls of fear,

Strip me down to my bare soul,

Infect every ounce of me,

Making it where I can't live without them,

Wouldn't that be a dream come true,

Oh how I wish with all my heart,

That person would come along someday,

Someday soon,

And disable my firewalls.